Football’s full of great nicknames. Evocative ones, like The Iron or The Hammers that let you know you’re in for a tough time. Faintly self-deprecating ones, as if losing a Champions League final isn’t bad enough without Madrid calling themselves the Meringues. And some are just plain odd, like The Tractor Boys.
Then we’ve got the plain bad ones. The nicknames that make you roll your eyes. We don’t mean “the Whites” or “the Blues.” They’re just lazy. We mean the nicknames that are actively bad. Here’s ten of the worst.
#10: The Toffees – Everton
Everton mints are named after the football club, not the other way around, so it’s not really clear why the Merseyside club have adopted the nickname Toffees. Either way, it’s hardly a stirring nickname to get the blood pumping. “Do it for the Toffees!” is more an exasperated mother trying to get a kid to pack up their toys than an inspiring battle cry.
#9: Submarino Amarillo – Cadiz CF
In English, Cadiz are the Yellow Submarines. It’s a simple nickname, Cadiz play in yellow, and in 1992 they sank from La Liga to the Spanish third tier in just two seasons. The Yellow Submarines have remembered how to float in recent seasons, going from the third division to the top flight between 2001 and 2006, before ending up back in the Segunda B in 2009. Somehow, they’re back in La Liga as of 2020, but it’s never too long before a submarine plunges back into the depths.
Valencia stole this nickname too, but they don’t embody it quite like Cadiz.
#8: Bully Wee – Clyde
It’s an aspirational name the Scottish side have adopted. They’re a small – wee – team that would bully the bigger teams. But as you might expect from a team that got “wee bully” backwards, they don’t live up to the promise. A semi-pro team in Scotland’s third division, their biggest recent scalp is Annan Athletic. That’s sticking it to the man alright.
#7: The Monkey Hangers – Hartlepool United
Hartlepool’s nickname, and their mascot H’Angus the Monkey, are based on a funny old tale. Apparently after a ship sank off the coast of Hartlepool, the locals pulled a monkey out of the sea, tried it as a French spy, and hanged it to death. What a jolly tale of animal cruelty!
Don’t worry though, it might not have been a monkey at all. At the time, teenage boys would carry gunpowder around on ships. These “powder monkeys” would usually be 14 at the oldest, so it’s possible that Hartlepool’s nickname is actually from a jolly tale of child murder. Nice one H’Angus.
#6: The Red Devils – Manchester United
Some football nicknames are rubbish because they’re basic. The Reds, the Blues, the Sky Blues, the Lilywhites… But the worst kind of names are when you take one of those basic nicknames and add a random word. Manchester United looked at their big rivals Liverpool – the Reds – and decided to do just that.
Fortunately, local rugby league team Salford had picked up the nickname The Red Devils while United were still Newton Heath, so the team from Old Trafford decided to add devil to Liverpool’s nickname to get a new name that was already in use a mile down the road. And if you think that’s a poor effort, wait until you hear about their neighbours.
#5: Young Boys – BSC Young Boys
It’s not even a nickname. But come on. They’re called BSC Young Boys and they play at Wankdorf Stadium. They deserve to be on the list. How many people have bought Champions League tickets just to show their mates they’ve got a ticket to see Young Boys at Wankdorf?
It sounds criminal!
#4: The Citizens – Manchester City
We laughed at Manchester United’s lack of effort, just stealing a nickname from a nearby rugby team. But at least they looked around for thirty seconds. City just said “we’re from a city, we’re called City, so we’re the Citizens.”
Nobody even knew that was their nickname until about five years ago when they started using it on branding because you can’t just trademark “City” when you sell Premier League tickets and merch.
Rubbish.
#3: The Biscuitmen – Reading FC
Don’t let them fool you! Reading might claim to be The Royals now, but the Berkshire club only adopted that nickname because their original one was so bad. Because the club played near a biscuit making factory, they decided to call themselves The Biscuitmen. Like a D-list Batman villain in blue and white hoops.
#2: Los Colchoneros – Atletico Madrid
One of Atleti’s nicknames literally translates to “the mattress makers.” That’s because the side’s vertical red and white stripes are the same colour as popular Spanish sunlounger mattresses – but it’s taken on a second meaning as manager Diego Simeone’s dour, pragmatic anti-football puts fans to sleep.
#1: The Bantams – Bradford City
Sometimes bird-themed nicknames are inspiring. The Eagles. That’s majestic. Sometimes they’re odd – The Peacocks, or nondescript – The Seagulls. Then there’s Bradford. The Bantams. A fearful beast that strikes terror into the hearts of its enemy, a bantam is “any small variety of chicken or duck.”
“Lets go, you smaller than usual ducks.” It’s got to be the worst nickname in European football.
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